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April 6, 2010
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I'm drawn to it, like a moth to a flame I must have it.  I crave it, my body goes into a frenzy if I do not get it.  I fall to my knees begging to have it, screaming for the pain to go away.  I'm addicted.  I'm addicted to the drama, to the lies, to the faces.  I'm addicted to the pain, to the tears, to the hate.  I buy it, I live it, I am it.  The world walks around in a dark dark abyss and I'm apart of it.  Be in the world... but not of it.  How?  The temptations hound me at every turn.  The feelings of loss and of failure are my constint companion.  The colors that were once bright, turn dull and lifeless around me.  I must be in this world.  I must be liked, I must be her.  I have to be a person of respect.  I have to be a girl of ridiculous beauty.  I have to be strong yet feminine.  I have to be what you want me to be.  So I get high off of praise, strung out off of attention, and when I don't get it, I go through a painful withdrawl.  "GOD!!!  WHY IS IT SO EASY?"  I cry to the Holy One, looking for an answer that never comes, and the withdrawl becomes harder.  "GOD!!!! WHY CAN'T I DO THIS?"  I cry out to Jehoviah, my King... but an answer doesn't come.  I curl up in a ball, shaking and shivering, denying myself the very thing I've always wanted, when I feel a light shine down and warm my face.  A still, small voice speaks... "You can't, but I can."  I look up confused.  What was that?  God?  Speak again... I wait but the business of my life catches up to me and drowns out the voice of my King.  I fall back into the addiction, so easily, so painfully... until that still small voice speaks again "You can't, but I can."  "Yes God."  "I stand at the door, and I'm knocking.  Let me in.  I want to be in a relationship with you."
"Yes God."  "You are somebody in me.  You are a saint.  There is no condemnation in my name."  "Thank you God."  "Let me take your addiction.  I died with your addiction on the cross.  Don't you see?  I love you."  I sob in the realization that my life has meaning.  That I'm loved... and the withdrawl starts to fade.  I guess, you can just call me an recovering addict...
Just some thoughts
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